Question: What’s More Important…

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standing up for my principles, or being nice?

I had a teen ask me this question and I thought it was particularly astute. In the age of social media, we are all free to offer our opinions on any subject any time. Whether it’s responding to a friend’s Facebook or Instagram post or a news item that we come across, in many cases, letting people know what we think is as simple as a few keystrokes.

Unfortunately, things tend to be pretty polarized on social media. We have become accustomed to a certain number of characters that we will pay attention to before we get bored, and most important issues are framed in terms of Right and Wrong, Agree or Disagree. There is very little room for nuance and gray area and, often, it is the most supportive and the least supportive comments that get all the glory.

So if you feel strongly about a particular issue – whether it be dress codes or same-sex marriage, leaving your pet in a hot car during the day or premarital sex, it can be really tempting to add your two cents. My answer to this teen was to stop a minute and assess the motivation behind the response. Often, we get caught up in the swell of emotion that comes from reading about something we either strongly agree or disagree with and we don’t take the time to think about why we think it’s important to share our thoughts.

*If you are responding because you want to tell someone else their opinion is wrong (and set it up against your beliefs which are “right,”) commenting might not be the best thing to do.

*If you are making a point to exclude an entire group of people based on some belief they hold or lifestyle they lead that you disagree with, you aren’t really standing up for your principles, you’re bashing someone else’s. I know there’s a fine line between those two things, but it’s a line nonetheless. [One way to think about it is to say that you’re throwing a party, but you extend the invitation in a public place and say that anyone who identifies as transgendered is NOT invited because you don’t support that lifestyle. That’s not standing up for your beliefs because you started it. You’re free to have that opinion, but since it wasn’t challenged, you’re carefully couching your disrespect for others by claiming it is standing up for yourself.]

*If you are standing up for someone or a group of people that don’t have a voice or whose beliefs haven’t been represented in the conversation, it may well be a worthwhile response. I say this with caution because often people who post things online are only interested in hearing the comments that support their own side of things. Before hitting ‘enter,’ you might want to assess what it is you hope to achieve with your comment. If you simply want to go on record saying you support another opinion, that’s fine. If you’re hoping to change minds or make other people feel bad or rile others up, you’re not standing up for your beliefs, you’re picking a fight.

Mindful Parenting Tip: Check Your Assumptions

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This is one of the most impactful changes I have ever made and while it is simple, it takes practice. It also works for educators and school administrators, or anyone who is in a position of power over students or children.

Step 1: When your t(w)een is doing something you don’t like, stop and name what you’re feeling.  For example, if you’ve asked them to come do a chore and they aren’t responding, recognize what your immediate reaction is. Is it frustration? Annoyance? Anger? Maybe there is some story in your head about how often they do this particular thing, “he always ignores me when I ask him to empty the dishwasher!”

Step 2: Acknowledge that what you’re feeling is about you and your priorities, which are absolutely valid, but your child can’t be expected to know what they are right now.  Once you’ve acknowledged it, let it go.

Step 3: Ask in a neutral or inquisitive tone whether there is a good reason why your child isn’t responding to you right now. It may be that he is in the middle of a challenging assignment and he wants to focus and finish it before being interrupted. Or maybe there is some other circumstance that you can’t possibly imagine which is causing the delay. Or,  maybe, you’re just being ignored or teased. Whatever the reason, if you assume bad intent without getting all of the information, you’re painting your child into a pretty tight corner. If you remain curious about the situation and are clear about your priorities, you are more likely to get a positive response and move toward getting your needs met.

I have heard many stories from students about situations where a teacher yelled at them for not making eye contact or for doodling on their paper when the teacher wanted them to “pay attention.” Those scenarios might enforce compliance, but they don’t build trust, and in many cases, the student had what they felt was a perfectly good reason for doing what they were doing at that point. Had the teacher given the student the benefit of the doubt and stopped to ask why they weren’t “paying attention,” they might have gotten good information about that student without the risk of alienating them. This is especially helpful in cases where a student has a non-traditional learning style. Some kids need to doodle or bounce in their chair in order to comprehend what the teacher is saying. Others have a difficult time making eye contact at all, or might need a little extra time to focus before moving on.

As a parent, when I’m in a hurry, it is easy for me to forget that my children are often immersed in things that are important to them, and I sometimes revert to asserting my power to make them do things on my schedule. I can get angry if I feel as though they aren’t paying attention to me, but if I stop and remember to not take it personally, in general they are more open to helping because I took their priorities into consideration.