Compassion Starts With You

You’re going to mess up.

You’ve done it before and you’ll do it again.

I promise.

And when you do, it’s entirely possible that you will have some choice phrases for yourself, you’ll maybe be angry that you didn’t see this coming, that you didn’t plan enough or anticipate the potholes in the road or think that there is some fundamental part of you that is simply wrong.

Look, making mistakes feels pretty awful sometimes. Especially if you do it in front of people or it happens after you’ve convinced everyone that this is the thing you’re good at. But beating yourself up mentally feels worse, and it shuts down the part of your brain that is responsible for learning from mistakes.

It’s true. In times of high emotion (especially shame and anger and frustration), the reptilian part of your brain takes over, the part whose job it is to protect you from harm. When that happens, the part of your brain that is more evolved takes a break. It literally just stops working and hangs out for a while, believing that your reptile brain has got this.

And that means the lesson you learn is that you’re not good enough.

Wouldn’t you rather move through that disappointment and get to the part where you switch the learning brain back on and get smarter?

I would. And here’s how I do it. When I screw up, I pull out this handy list of reminders to help me tread that painful path with self-compassion.

  1. Hey, some things are more complicated than they look! (Even, some days, walking. Yup)
  2. Seriously, was anyone born just knowing how to do this stuff? I mean, we all have to learn, right?
  3. The truth is, everyone fails more often than they succeed when they’re doing something important and worthwhile. We just don’t share those things on Facebook or talk about them at the holiday table with our extended family or put them on our resumes.
  4. My worth does not depend on my achievements. If it did, nobody would love puppies because literally all they’ve ever done is be born. But everyone loves puppies.
  5. I get to feel disappointed. I really wanted to do well at this and it sucks that I messed up.
  6. Just because I messed up this time, doesn’t mean I can’t do better next time. I mean, those baseball players who strike out often come back up to the plate to get on base or hit a home run.
  7. I’m gonna screw up again. If I can be nice to myself when I do, life is going to be a lot more pleasant.

Here’s the thing: even if you aren’t really feeling it when you start saying these things to yourself, chances are, with enough repetition, you’ll get to the point where you believe them. And, as an added bonus, when we are kind to ourselves, we generally end up being kinder to other people. Honestly, there’s research that shows it. So give yourself a break. Be nice. Spread the nice around and make sure to start with you.

Mindful Parenting and Conflict Resolution with Non-Violent Communication

By Nallive Andrea Pestaña – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0,

If you are parenting an adolescent, you have conflict. Maybe not all the time, but it is inevitable that there will be times when the two of you don’t see eye-to-eye. It may even feel as though you don’t live on the same planet from time to time. The good news is that mindfulness can play an important role in handling disagreements with your t(w)een, especially when you use it in tandem with a communication style known as non-violent communication.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg wrote extensively about the benefits of non-violent communication (NVC), especially as it affects our most personal, intimate relationships. One of the foundations of NVC is learning to communicate our needs to the other person, and while this may sound simple, it takes a little bit of practice and, I think, mindfulness.

The first thing we as parents need to do when we think about approaching our kids with a topic that will almost certainly lead to conflict (missed curfew, grades not what we expected them to be, that speeding ticket, etc.) is ask ourselves the following questions before we ever talk to them:

  1. How do I want to connect with my child? (Am I going in to this with no desire to connect at all – ie. do I just want to lay down the law? Or am I really hoping for a situation to show them that I am supportive of them, that this is not about power or control, but about trust and love?)
  2. What do I need* from this situation?

*Often, “need” is a pretty huge category of things for us as parents. We tend to lump our desires and strategies for getting what we want or need in with “needs.” For example, we might say to our child, I need you to ask me for permission to go anywhere after school that isn’t straight home. That is a strategy. Perhaps the real need here is for us to feel as though we are in a trusting relationship with our loved ones. Our true needs are either physical (food, shelter, air), or emotional/spiritual (support, honesty, to feel important). One way to decide whether we are incorrectly characterizing needs is to ask whether what we say we need is tied to a particular person or action. If it is, it’s not a need, it’s a strategy.

It is also important to recognize that our kids are really not capable of making these determinations quite yet, so very often, in our conversations with them, their “needs” won’t be actual needs. That’s ok, albeit frustrating, and it’s up to us as parents to model for them just how to have an NVC discussion.

According to Rosenberg, the four elements (in this order) of positive conflict resolution are:

OBSERVATION Tell your child what the triggering incident was. What did you see happening? What are the facts as you know them? {It is critically important here to avoid analysis, criticism or judgment. If your child feels attacked, blamed, judged, or if they think you’re making assumptions, your chance to connect is lost.}

FEELING Own your reaction. Tell them how you felt upon learning this information or witnessing this situation. Were you scared? Angry? Sad? {Avoid using language like “you scared me” or “do you know how that made me feel?” This part may feel a little clinical at first, but stick to stimulus-response language.}

NEED This is where you state what you need. Do you need to feel like your child is safe? Do you need to feel as though you are important? Again, be careful not to prescribe certain actions or conditions. This is about what you need. {This is also where you make it clear to your child that they are under no obligation to meet that need. I know. You’re saying, WHAT??!! We can’t present our needs as demands or emotional blackmail if we are hoping to connect in a meaningful way. The good news is that this goes both ways. You don’t have to see your child’s statement of need as a demand for action, either.}

REQUEST This is where you get to ask for a certain set of responses or behaviors. {Try to phrase it as a request: Would you be willing to …? Now, because your child has the context of how you feel and why you feel that way, along with an understanding of what you need, they can fully consider what it means to you to have that request fulfilled.}

There are some difficult pieces to this. First of all, it’s really tempting to talk consequences. If you don’t fulfill my request, you’ll be grounded/lose car privileges, have to cancel that sleepover… For younger kids, those boundaries are perfectly acceptable, but if what you are trying to do is build a strong, mutually-respectful, adult-like relationship with your adolescent, this is the best way to invest in that right now. They will disappoint you, and it takes a lot of practice, but they will eventually learn how to communicate in this way. As Dr. Rosenberg said, “This is not about compromise, it is about creating an environment where everyone’s needs get met.”

Another challenge is learning to not take your child’s rejection of your request or inability to hear your needs as important personally. When someone says they can’t or won’t meet your needs right now and you feel rejected, it makes future interactions incredibly hard. Remember that that response has everything to do with them and nothing to do with whether your needs or feelings are valid. 

It is really tempting to tell our kids what we don’t want when we are feeling angry or upset. I don’t want to see you get hurt, I don’t want you to ruin the rest of your life by not getting into a good college… Unfortunately, when we tell someone what we don’t want, this does one of two things – stops them from focusing on the conversation at hand because they are performing mental gymnastics trying to figure out how you leapt to that conclusion, or it makes them defensive and defiant and determined to prove you wrong by doing that exact thing and showing you that it won’t end up with them hurt/dead/suspended. 

It is also hard to extend the same courtesy to your child by really listening to their observations, feelings, needs, and requests. It takes a great deal of self-control and self-awareness to set aside your emotional reactions and really hear what they’re saying (or parse it out as they yell or cry or accuse you of horrible things). But the more we can employ these tactics when we have difficult conversations with our kids, the more we can create an environment where everyone feels heard and believes that their needs are important. Questions? Ask them in the comments and I’ll do my best to help.